Almost 2...

My baby girl is almost 2.  Which means..

I have been a mom for almost 2 years.  It's a hard journey, I'll tell you that.  I don't feel adequate in my job.  I don't ever, for one second, feel good enough to be her mom.  And then she does something like this:

and my world is rocked.  I realize something every. single. time. that I get a hug and/or kiss from her, or a random snuggle.  

I realize I must be doing something right.  

I don't know what I'm doing.  This girl is my first.  And, honestly, nearly two years into it, I still find myself being incredibly selfish sometimes.  Making decisions based on my wants or needs, rather than hers.  Doing something one way simply because it's easier, rather than taking the time to teach her a valuable lesson.  But I'm getting there.   It is, however, a true challenge to not lose myself in the process.

 Every hug I get reminds me that life has changed, and will continue to change.  I'm morphing into my role as a mother.  Every day, I improve, I learn to balance responsibilities, juggle schedules.  I discover things I didn't know about myself.  I find new confidence in my abilities.  

And I thank God for this blessing.  For not only creating this little life, but for creating in me a new person.  A new strength.  A new love.

23 months down, a lifetime more to go...

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

Blue and pink and babies, oh my!

Let me start this post by saying that for the most part, I am genuinely, truly happy for my friends who are pregnant.  Really.  And that's all I want to be.  Also, to those pregnant friends/family who read this, I apologize for what I am about to say.

WHAT IN THE HELL, Y'ALL. 


Seriously?  Did all 13 of you have to go get yourselves pregnant?  Now?  (and no, I only wish I was exaggerating on that number)

Again:  I am genuinely happy- especially for those that had been trying and trying, that you finally get your little miracle.  And I don't want it this to sound petty, or selfish, because I know I have the girl already and I know that's a blessing, but, um...

When's it my turn?  P and I have been trying for a while now... and yeah, I must say, practice is fun... but not getting any second pink line EVERY MONTH? Notsofun.  And please don't tell me "it will happen when it's supposed to" or "in God's time" or any of that... because at this point, honestly, all that does is make me angry beyond belief.

It's not that I won't want to snuggle and kiss and love on each and every one of those babies when they get here, but... my family isn't complete.  Not yet.  And it's hard, seeing a new pregnancy pop up about once a week.

Not to mention, those baby projects are starting to stack up on my sewing table...

and none of them for me.

Life is a flame that is always burning itself out, but it catches fire again every time a child is born. ~ George Bernard Shaw

The day the world started over

It was just shy of 6 months after our wedding. I was home sick.  P had just bought a motorcycle.

**crickets**

Say what now?

We needed a second form of transportation, and a motorcycle was the cheapest and most efficient form at that point.  He brought it home this day.  Little did we know I would only go on one ride with him!

So, I'm home sick.  Something just doesn't feel right.  And (plug your ears boys)  I hadn't had a period in about 6 weeks.  I really didn't think I was pregnant, though.  After all, I had just gotten off of birth control.  Every test had come up negative (and I had taken a lot.)  I asked P to come home a bit early so misery could have some company.

As per usual, he called when he left work, asking if I needed him to get anything.  I wanted another pregnancy test, but then I realized I still had one at the house.  I voiced all of this, of course.  We hung up, and I headed to the bathroom.  I was truly expecting to have just flushed another $7 down the drain.  I was not expecting a second pink line.  But almost immediately, there it was. Bright, bold, and beautifully pink.  My drea of being a mommy was going to come true!

I had to tell everybody right away.  I had to tell P first. Shaking, I called him- and asked him to pick up more pregnancy tests.  He got that voice- that scared, terrified, man voice- and said "What did it say?"

I said, "I'm pregnant!!" (Note: he was driving at the time.  On the freeway.  Probably not the best time to tell a man he's going to be a daddy for the first time.)

This marked a huge change in our relationship.  We went from talking about the future to living it.  We wanted to do so much before the baby came.  We wanted to travel.  We wanted to have money saved, have our own house, have more time just us.  We had to cram as much as we could into 10 short months.

Our marriage changed forever.