Home.

You know what's awesome about being married? Always being able to come home.

I've had a week off from school, and that's meant lots of traveling. I need to get the hang of traveling and blogging at the same time, but when traveling alone with a toddler, my hands are kind of full, and we didn't have internet access on our beach trip.

We decided to take advantage of the last free weekend, and rented a beach house with some friends down in Rockport. Our first real, grown-up, vacation. It's a great feeling. Of course, this means along with the house, we have to either buy groceries to cook or go out to eat every day- and since it's a small town with not much, we opted for groceries. And let me tell you, we picked out some good stuff. There was a charcoal grill at the house, so we picked up a leg of lamb, some steaks, I roasted some chicken and potatoes... I also made some homemade orange rolls that our dear friend T said, “These taste evil. I think they have way too many calories for me to be eating this early in the day.” I smiled, because of course- what better time to cook (and eat) such scrumptiousness?

So we went grocery shopping Friday night, after we got here and got settled in a bit. Of course, our friends being who they are, I was not able to take a list (which I pretty much must have. Otherwise I am completely lost and sad!) which meant a few very important things were forgotten. So the following morning, I took a quick trip to the store. While in the store, P called wondering what to do about the biscuits in the oven. As the call was wrapping up, I said, “OK, I'll be home soon, love you!”

After that call, I was wondering why I said that. After all, we're not home. We are, in fact, roughly four hours from there, we don't have most of our traditional comforts, we aren't sleeping in our bed. What we do have here, though, is each other. Our daughter. Our love.

And it hit me- anywhere he is, I call home. Have you seen the movie “Where the Heart is?” A great quote from that movie states, “Home is where the heart is.” And I find it oh, so true. I am so blessed to have a home wherever I go. We could move anywhere (and we have!) and not know anyone... but he and our girl will always be there. That's what makes anyplace home. And I am so, so happy to have that.

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”

Maya Angelou

Vow Renewal Record!

P and I joke that we're going to beat the Guinness Record holders for how many times we renew our vows.  We've done it once already.  Last Valentine's I surprised him with a scavenger hunt and the good people of our church helped out with it ending in a very special ceremony- one in which I got to tell him how much I love him all over again.

I'm wearing a shirt that says "Forever His Bride' over my actual wedding dress- I'm such a sap.

It's no secret that marriage is hard work.  It's a choice EVERY DAY to say "I love you." When we wake every morning, it's a decision to go about our lives honoring our spouse, correct?  Sure, it might become second nature, but it's always a choice.  And in those harder moments, those choices aren't nearly as easy to make.

P and I have had our fair share of issues, but lately we've gone through a lot.  I won't go into detail here because it's not for the world's knowledge.  But suffice to say, those choices have been very difficult to make.  Either one of us could have walked away at any moment.  But did our vows say "Until we're tired of dealing with nonsense," or "Until I'm so mad I can't talk"?  No.  They said, "Until DEATH do us part."  

I think that vows are overdone.  They've become too... traditional.  Think of it this way- we see those same traditional vows done in movies, in books, in other peoples' weddings... that for many of us, we don't think twice about saying them in our own weddings.  It's just part of the ceremony, right?  WRONG!  These words, uttered to your new bride or groom in one of THE most intimate moments of your lives, these are PROMISES, people.  They are meant to be thought of daily.  They're meant to be pored over before a wedding ceremony, because you're supposed to mean them going in.  Not only that, you're supposed to live them.  Daily.  Constantly.

Again, is it easy?  Heck no.  Due to our issues, we've both been going to therapy.  Sorting out things individually, planning for marriage counseling once we understand a bit more about ourselves.  After all, we're young, we got married quickly, we're still learning.  We each had a session today.  

Tonight, at home, we were talking about how they went... and with tears in his eyes, my sweet husband looks to me and says, "I'm sick of all the blame in our marriage.  Sick of it."  (Yes, that last part was emphasized by him... it's been a long time since I've seen that fire in him.)

And I can't say I disagree.  How easy it is to place blame on another, or to feel blamed by another, especially your spouse.  How terribly easy.  But no one appreciates it.  All blame does is destroy.   It isn't something I really acknowledged was happening, however.  I didn't promise to never blame.  It's not like I set out for it each day.  But I should definitely pay attention to when it is likely to happen, and focus not on blame, but on trust and rebuilding.

(sidenote: I know that this post may seem like it's bouncing everywhere, but stick with me through one more point, and I'll give you one of the yucky cookies I made tonight!  )

I just wrapped up my summer semester.  In it, I took both of my required government courses.  Courses in which we learned about the US and Texas Constitutions.  About expressed powers vs. implied powers.  For those who don't know, expressed powers are those specifically stated in the constitution, given to the government, whereas expressed powers are those which you may have to dig a little deeper for; to read between the lines and really seek what is needed.

I think this same value of implied powers goes for wedding vows, as well.  Even if we write our own vows, there's no way we can fit in all the promises we want to make to our spouse.  If we tried, we'd have a ceremony that's entirely too long, and then no one could get to the buffet/dance floor/open bar.  So we compress.  We take what's most valued and put them in.  We snip and cut and shorten until it's as we like it, saying only what is necessary.  But is that all we promise to our loved one?  Not by a long shot. 

So really, vows are thought of daily.  Revised daily.  Renewed daily.  At the very least, they should be.

And I vow to do just that.

Hon, I think we've got 'em beat!

(Sorry, the cookies were just too gross.  I ended up throwing them away!  Whole wheat flour is not meant for most sweets.)

You'll discover that real love is millions of miles past falling in love with anyone or anything. When you make that one effort to feel compassion instead of blame or self-blame, the heart opens again and continues opening.

-Sara Paddison

D-Day.

I promise this blog isn't a chronicle of our 'love story'. I just feel everyone deserves a little background, then maybe you can understand a bit more of what I'm talking about later on down the road, right?

So, D-Day. The day when we said goodbye to being single.  And took on a whole mess of responsibilities to each other.  It was pretty awesome.  I married my soulmate, after all. We had a small ceremony in a little park across the street from our house:

See? Houses!

And then the reception IN our tiny house, on a June Texas day with a broken A/C:

Nothing mattered then except WE WERE MARRIED!

I had a blast.

Now, I got a comment on Facebook earlier this week about 'real weddings'.  And I want to say, the wedding isn't the part that matters.  As a girl, I love them (as stated previously).  I loved my wedding, but I don't even feel like it was what I expected, or wanted originally, or whatever.  To me, it wasn't a 'real wedding'. (We didn't get to dance much at all!)  I think most women have this picture in our heads of how we want our wedding to go, of all the frills, decorations, what the dress should look like... and it wasn't that.  I still loved it.   loved him, and I kept telling myself the rest did not matter one bit.  Guess what?  It didn't!

All that to say, I look back on that day and think how insignificant it's been in the grand scheme of it all.  And it's only been 3 years!  Can you imagine how I'll feel in 10? 20?  There has been SO MUCH MORE that has taken up the forefront of our thoughts.  We talk about doing it up 'right' for our 5 or 10 year anniversary... and we might.  But then I think, we're so glad that we didn't blow all our money on all the fuss... It was relatively low-stress... why would we want to do that now?  With a kid? and jobs? and school?

Just send me on a cruise.

Dating, or lack thereof

Thanksgiving 2006, or The Night We Became an Item

As I've mentioned previously, we got married pretty quickly.  Okay, insanely quickly.  Sometimes we look at each other and say, "Did we really do that?"  Oh yes, m'dear, we sure did.

When we met, we didn't intend to even really be exclusive.  We were just looking for... well, honesty, for one.  For someone we could get used to dating again with.  We met on October 30th, 2006.  The night before Halloween, the night after his 25th birthday.

Now, I want y'all to look at the picture above.  Go on now, I'm waiting... You see that caption?  The one that says Thanksgiving?  Yeah, we threw all that non-exclusive, dipping our toes back in the water nonsense right out the window.  The car window, that is.  Going about, oh, I don't know, 50 mph.

It all happened so fast.  He was such a gentleman (or so I thought!)  and really made me laugh.  He cared deeply about his family and friends.  He was a hard worker, and, damn... did I EVER find him sexy hot attractive.  OK, so maybe I thought all of those things.

He took me to meet his friends.  All at once.  Not just friends, either... people he had gone to high school, then college with, and then subsequently transported all of them out to where we live now with him.  He made me let him buy things.  Ate every meal I cooked for him (**swoon**).

He didn't make a move, at all.  I held his hand.  I kissed him.  I was the forward-momentum.  Yet we both felt it.  That spark, I mean.  You know the one. Where you're not sure exactly what it is, but it's something, and by golly it's something special.  Over the course of 5 weeks, we fell in love and realized that it didn't matter how or when, we were going to be together for the rest of our lives.

We didn't say it, not at first.  We each refused to be the first one to say those three words.  We'd look at each other and grin up a storm, though.  We got to the point where we had this... this nod.  We knew what it meant.  It was an understanding, that we got the feeling.  That it was mutual.  But still, we played chicken with the vocabulary.  It was awesome.

I don't remember who said it first, or when.  Which, in a way, saddens me.  It hasn't even been 4 years since we've met and I can't remember that? Maybe he can remind me.  I remember the sheer joy of it, though. I mean, yeah, we had the nod.  I knew that much.  But nothing compares to the words, the publicizing of those emotions, right?  So, we were in love.

love-a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person