Saturday, August 28, 2010

How about dessert?





The girl is napping.  P is napping.  The dogs are napping.  I had told myself that I would get some work done on the house while they napped, but I had an idea.

I'm going to have dessert first.

You're probably thinking, OK, have a flipping cookie, then. Fatso.  

However, I'm not talking about those calorie-ridden goodies, oh, no.  I'm talking those sweet stolen moments in life where we do something for ourselves.

As a wife, and especially as a mom, I don't get much of that.  It's very similar to Paul's becoming "All things to all men," (1Cor 9:22), this transition into wifedom.  My life, every choice I make, impacts my family.  So usually, my time is devoted to things that shape a better life: cleaning, playing, studying, balancing the checkbook, etc.  

Yet in going over daily stressors with my therapist, she informed me of this amazing, incredible, fantastic idea:

Have your dessert first.  She went on to explain that you have to redefine dessert.  There's no need for us to ever lose ourselves due to others' expectations, or our perceptions of what they expect.  The important people in our lives love us for every bit of ourselves.  This means they want us to continue being ourselves, right?  

So how do we hold on to ourselves?  How does one maintain sanity, truth, passion in their lives for things other than their family?  By redefining dessert.

For example, right now, I wanted to blog.  I wanted to share this revelation I've been given.  Sure, there are dishes in the sink, a floor to be vacuumed, boxes to be unpacked, man, I could make a list a mile long.  And yes, I want to do all of these things.  (I really do!  I love a clean house!)

Bu what really called to me was my big, comfy chair.  I wanted to put my feet up.  I wanted to write for you all.  And I wanted to read my favorite blogs, as well.  So that's what I'm doing.  Indulging.  I'll get up in a minute.

What about you?  What are some of your favorite 'desserts'?

Seize the moment.  Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.  ~Erma Bombeck

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

They call it 'Toobing'

Fun trips don't always end up...

as fun as you may have hoped.

Take, for example, our... challenging trip to the river a few weeks ago.  What should have been a nice, relaxing, gentle float downstream turned into a nightmare.

Of course, that's my view on it.  Me, who feels like the world is falling apart if a fly looks at her wrong (part of why I'm in therapy- breathing techniques WORK, people!).

Let's take a quick look at what happened:

We were bringing the girl, so we wanted to find a float for her.  Aunt T and I spent the preceding evening searching all around town for one, only to be informed that because in other parts of the country, fall is fast approaching, TEXAS store are no longer carrying swimming accessories.  I mean, really?  We find one on the way down to the river... air it up. and she would much rather just hang out in our tubes with us.  Great way to spend $20, if you ask me.

There's a rather quick chute at the beginning of this float.  We knew we wouldn't take the girl on it, but Unca Roo and Aunt T wanted to do it, of course.  Well, sometimes, this chute can drag you of your tube and under the water.  Unca Roo almost drowned early in our trip due to this.  Fun!

The only way to get past this chute was to get out just before it, and back in IMMEDATELY after.  So after climbing out... with 2 tubes, 2 coolers, and a baby in tow... we climb down back into the water. P went first, and took the girl into his lap, seeing as we were literally climbing in at the very bottom of the chute (where there was still rushing water!)  He, the girl, and a tube containing a cooler got sucked into the current and rushed away... The girl LOVED it.  She laughed and laughed as they swirled across the top of the waves.  P held on to her for dear life.  We lost our shoes.

Yeah. You read that right.  You see, we had all our shoes in a mesh bag that was tied to P's tube- and when that current hit him, it ripped that bag right off the rope.  3 pairs of shoes (Aunt T had water shoes on, smart girl!!) gone. Just like that.  And let me tell you, the sidewalk on the way to the bus when the float was done was HOT!

After the chute we were in for what we thought would be a great day... hanging out with good friends, relaxing, getting some fun in the sun.  What we forgot about was that there was yet another rough current ahead... that if you went one way, you were fine... but chancing the waterfall meant danger.

Ok, ok, *I* forgot that.  To be fair, however, I couldn't have gotten to easy mode if I had tried.  It was just too late.  I went over the falls... along with the attached cooler.  Consequently, I was flipped off my raft and swept downstream- I couldn't even get my footing, the current was that strong.  I was scared!  And, wouldn't you know it, there were  some kind (cough cough) teenagers at the base of the waterfall that held onto the tube for me- kept it right there, at the base of the falls.

Remember how I said I couldn't get my footing?  Yeah, I never really did.  Eventually the kids let the tube go- but not before opening the cooler and taking the beer, letting the girl's juice, wipes, and Aunt T's glasses float to goodness knows where.

That was a *really* expensive trip, don't you think?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Almost 2...

My baby girl is almost 2.  Which means..

I have been a mom for almost 2 years.  It's a hard journey, I'll tell you that.  I don't feel adequate in my job.  I don't ever, for one second, feel good enough to be her mom.  And then she does something like this:


and my world is rocked.  I realize something every. single. time. that I get a hug and/or kiss from her, or a random snuggle.  

I realize I must be doing something right.  

I don't know what I'm doing.  This girl is my first.  And, honestly, nearly two years into it, I still find myself being incredibly selfish sometimes.  Making decisions based on my wants or needs, rather than hers.  Doing something one way simply because it's easier, rather than taking the time to teach her a valuable lesson.  But I'm getting there.   It is, however, a true challenge to not lose myself in the process.

 Every hug I get reminds me that life has changed, and will continue to change.  I'm morphing into my role as a mother.  Every day, I improve, I learn to balance responsibilities, juggle schedules.  I discover things I didn't know about myself.  I find new confidence in my abilities.  

And I thank God for this blessing.  For not only creating this little life, but for creating in me a new person.  A new strength.  A new love.

23 months down, a lifetime more to go...

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

Monday, August 23, 2010

Home.

You know what's awesome about being married? Always being able to come home.

I've had a week off from school, and that's meant lots of traveling. I need to get the hang of traveling and blogging at the same time, but when traveling alone with a toddler, my hands are kind of full, and we didn't have internet access on our beach trip.

We decided to take advantage of the last free weekend, and rented a beach house with some friends down in Rockport. Our first real, grown-up, vacation. It's a great feeling. Of course, this means along with the house, we have to either buy groceries to cook or go out to eat every day- and since it's a small town with not much, we opted for groceries. And let me tell you, we picked out some good stuff. There was a charcoal grill at the house, so we picked up a leg of lamb, some steaks, I roasted some chicken and potatoes... I also made some homemade orange rolls that our dear friend T said, “These taste evil. I think they have way too many calories for me to be eating this early in the day.” I smiled, because of course- what better time to cook (and eat) such scrumptiousness?

So we went grocery shopping Friday night, after we got here and got settled in a bit. Of course, our friends being who they are, I was not able to take a list (which I pretty much must have. Otherwise I am completely lost and sad!) which meant a few very important things were forgotten. So the following morning, I took a quick trip to the store. While in the store, P called wondering what to do about the biscuits in the oven. As the call was wrapping up, I said, “OK, I'll be home soon, love you!”

After that call, I was wondering why I said that. After all, we're not home. We are, in fact, roughly four hours from there, we don't have most of our traditional comforts, we aren't sleeping in our bed. What we do have here, though, is each other. Our daughter. Our love.

And it hit me- anywhere he is, I call home. Have you seen the movie “Where the Heart is?” A great quote from that movie states, “Home is where the heart is.” And I find it oh, so true. I am so blessed to have a home wherever I go. We could move anywhere (and we have!) and not know anyone... but he and our girl will always be there. That's what makes anyplace home. And I am so, so happy to have that.

Maya Angelou

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Vow Renewal Record!

P and I joke that we're going to beat the Guinness Record holders for how many times we renew our vows.  We've done it once already.  Last Valentine's I surprised him with a scavenger hunt and the good people of our church helped out with it ending in a very special ceremony- one in which I got to tell him how much I love him all over again.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "Forever His Bride' over my actual wedding dress- I'm such a sap.
It's no secret that marriage is hard work.  It's a choice EVERY DAY to say "I love you." When we wake every morning, it's a decision to go about our lives honoring our spouse, correct?  Sure, it might become second nature, but it's always a choice.  And in those harder moments, those choices aren't nearly as easy to make.

P and I have had our fair share of issues, but lately we've gone through a lot.  I won't go into detail here because it's not for the world's knowledge.  But suffice to say, those choices have been very difficult to make.  Either one of us could have walked away at any moment.  But did our vows say "Until we're tired of dealing with nonsense," or "Until I'm so mad I can't talk"?  No.  They said, "Until DEATH do us part."  

I think that vows are overdone.  They've become too... traditional.  Think of it this way- we see those same traditional vows done in movies, in books, in other peoples' weddings... that for many of us, we don't think twice about saying them in our own weddings.  It's just part of the ceremony, right?  WRONG!  These words, uttered to your new bride or groom in one of THE most intimate moments of your lives, these are PROMISES, people.  They are meant to be thought of daily.  They're meant to be pored over before a wedding ceremony, because you're supposed to mean them going in.  Not only that, you're supposed to live them.  Daily.  Constantly.

Again, is it easy?  Heck no.  Due to our issues, we've both been going to therapy.  Sorting out things individually, planning for marriage counseling once we understand a bit more about ourselves.  After all, we're young, we got married quickly, we're still learning.  We each had a session today.  

Tonight, at home, we were talking about how they went... and with tears in his eyes, my sweet husband looks to me and says, "I'm sick of all the blame in our marriage.  Sick of it."  (Yes, that last part was emphasized by him... it's been a long time since I've seen that fire in him.)

And I can't say I disagree.  How easy it is to place blame on another, or to feel blamed by another, especially your spouse.  How terribly easy.  But no one appreciates it.  All blame does is destroy.   It isn't something I really acknowledged was happening, however.  I didn't promise to never blame.  It's not like I set out for it each day.  But I should definitely pay attention to when it is likely to happen, and focus not on blame, but on trust and rebuilding.

(sidenote: I know that this post may seem like it's bouncing everywhere, but stick with me through one more point, and I'll give you one of the yucky cookies I made tonight!  )

I just wrapped up my summer semester.  In it, I took both of my required government courses.  Courses in which we learned about the US and Texas Constitutions.  About expressed powers vs. implied powers.  For those who don't know, expressed powers are those specifically stated in the constitution, given to the government, whereas expressed powers are those which you may have to dig a little deeper for; to read between the lines and really seek what is needed.

I think this same value of implied powers goes for wedding vows, as well.  Even if we write our own vows, there's no way we can fit in all the promises we want to make to our spouse.  If we tried, we'd have a ceremony that's entirely too long, and then no one could get to the buffet/dance floor/open bar.  So we compress.  We take what's most valued and put them in.  We snip and cut and shorten until it's as we like it, saying only what is necessary.  But is that all we promise to our loved one?  Not by a long shot. 

So really, vows are thought of daily.  Revised daily.  Renewed daily.  At the very least, they should be.

And I vow to do just that.

Hon, I think we've got 'em beat!


(Sorry, the cookies were just too gross.  I ended up throwing them away!  Whole wheat flour is not meant for most sweets.)


You'll discover that real love is millions of miles past falling in love with anyone or anything. When you make that one effort to feel compassion instead of blame or self-blame, the heart opens again and continues opening.
-Sara Paddison

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Blue and pink and babies, oh my!



Let me start this post by saying that for the most part, I am genuinely, truly happy for my friends who are pregnant.  Really.  And that's all I want to be.  Also, to those pregnant friends/family who read this, I apologize for what I am about to say.

WHAT IN THE HELL, Y'ALL. 


Seriously?  Did all 13 of you have to go get yourselves pregnant?  Now?  (and no, I only wish I was exaggerating on that number)

Again:  I am genuinely happy- especially for those that had been trying and trying, that you finally get your little miracle.  And I don't want it this to sound petty, or selfish, because I know I have the girl already and I know that's a blessing, but, um...

When's it my turn?  P and I have been trying for a while now... and yeah, I must say, practice is fun... but not getting any second pink line EVERY MONTH? Notsofun.  And please don't tell me "it will happen when it's supposed to" or "in God's time" or any of that... because at this point, honestly, all that does is make me angry beyond belief.

It's not that I won't want to snuggle and kiss and love on each and every one of those babies when they get here, but... my family isn't complete.  Not yet.  And it's hard, seeing a new pregnancy pop up about once a week.

Not to mention, those baby projects are starting to stack up on my sewing table...

and none of them for me.


Life is a flame that is always burning itself out, but it catches fire again every time a child is born. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Art of Silence

I adore my inlaws.  My husband's parents are wonderful, stepparents are pretty great too.  He was raised by his Daddy and his grandparents, Nanny and Pop.  When we come visit, we stay with them.  It has the potential to be so full of awesome. 

Nanny and Pop have another son, too.  One who, at the age of 55, still lives a home.  With his wife.  And their two cats.

Without paying a dime.

...**crickets**

I know.  I know, y'all.  It's like... who does that?  I know my religion says every life is precious... but P's favorite thing to say is that they are the biggest waste of oxygen.  I so hope that my readers don't have people like that in their lives, but I know they're all around... it's just so draining. 

But what do you do?  It's one of my biggest struggles and biggest lessons in what it means to be a wife, to have tat extended family... As much as I love Nanny and Pop, it's just not my place to say anything.  Right?  Or, is it?  Do you speak up when you care for someone's welfare and when you know they're being walked all over? 

My temper is that of (insert animal of choice here) (I just asked P what he's say my temper is 'that of'... he shook his head and said "I wouldn't."  Smart man.)  I will stew and pout if I'm mistreated... but mess with a friend or family member and I will BLOW A FUSE, y'all.  Seriously.  It's a little intimidating, even to myself.

So when I see things happen in that house that just... they just aren't right.  When they smoke inside (daily).  When they run a car into the ground and decide it's their right to just start using Nanny's.   When they pretend like they're there to help out... it makes me a little crazy on the inside.  And my tongue starts to hurt from biting it so hard.

You see, Nanny doesn't want to upset Pop.  And neither does P.  So we're told to just let it be, that they're family and we're supposed to treat them with kindness no matter what...  that they'd beall alone if they were told to leave.

**more crickets** 

Yeah.  My mind is SCREAMING "EXCUSE ME?? They've had their WHOLE LIVES to get it together, stand on their own two feet, and make something of themselves.  But they can't keep a job, they enjoy shopping off of infomercials entirely too much, and think the world owes them a favor?"

But my mouth, it stays quiet.  Because we've talked about this, P and I.  About respect for our elders, respecting the wishes of the ones we love... and of just grabbing onto each others hands in those moments and digging our fingernails in so we know to just shuttheheckup.  I guess that's a part of love.


Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.  ~Author Unknown

Sunday, August 8, 2010

There's a reason for the lack of posting...

Meet "Ms. Marvel".  Yes, like the Avengers superheroine.

Well, a few, actually.

P and I have bee a single-car family ever since we met.  I had a scooter at first, and then he had a motorcycle at one point, but we have never had more than 1 car.  And let's face it.  Scooters and motorcycles aren't very family friendly or compatible with bad weather.  We always knew we'd need a second car, and then after selling both 2-wheelers, it became necessity.

But you see, we want to be debt-free.  And P got laid off, leaving us with very little income for close to a year.  So what we DID make, went towards survival and a little debt removal.  There was no room to think about a new car anytime soon as our current one, while not perfect for our family, was still pretty reliable.

So when I got a text from my MIL asking if we wanted help in getting a retired government car, I thought about, oh, TWO SECONDS before saying yes, please?  And then when the opportunity arose to actually get TWO of those cars... well, we said 'see ya Friday!' and hopped on a plane.

All that to say, I've been traveling.

And also, I've mentioned i'm a student, right?  Yeah, well, I just finished up 9 hours of summer classes with a toddler in tow, so I'm sorry, blog friends, but I had to leave you in the dust for a few days.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.  At least until something else happens, right?


A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.  ~Peter De Vries
 
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