Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Confessions, or secrets?



P and I have share something pretty special.  That something is communication.  I mean, open, honest communication (usually, at least!)  And by this, I mean, if we are upset by something, if we have something to say, we say it.

So when I see things like this, it breaks my heart. 

Now, some of these are adorable.  And I hope, hope, hope that they share these things with their husbands:

"Sometimes I am struck dumb by the fact that I got a fantastic mother-in-law as well as the amazing son she raised."
"for the husband of my heart; my one and only fish, my Boyo, whom I live with now: I love you so much. You are my friend, lover and soul mate; I feel safe (and very hot!) with you. I know you'll always be there for me. (This sounds so cliched) You have healed so much in my life. I am forever grateful. "

And then there are... others.  Others that simply astound me.  I am appalled by the fact that these women , rather than speaking with their husbands about their feelings, chose to let the entire world know via an anonymous email about shortcomings in their marriage.  About their angers and fears.

This, this right here, is why so many marriages fail.  People say it's money.  People say it's growing apart.  But really, that's not it at all.  Because both of those things fail to be an issue if there is effort in communication.  When two people make a choice to be lovingly open with each other, to share what is on their heart and mind, and to not be judgemental when their partner does the same, the results are life-changing.

I know many of you know what I am talking about.  Maybe you're of the group that has wonderful communication.  Maybe you've been in the place of the women who can't talk to their partners, or whose partners won't talk to them.  But that can change.

You see, we're not always open.  We don't go to each other right away with everything.  Fear keeps us from it.  But we've started down that slippery slope before, and it's not a good one.  The thing with going downhill quickly is you can see what's approaching.  Terrifying, right?

Relationships have brakes, folks.  They have a 'reverse', a 'steering wheel' (like all my driving metaphors? hah!) and you can get yourselves out of that rut- but not without effort.  You may have to give it a little push.

P and I like to have what we call 'pow-wows'.  They don't happen as often as we'd like, because life gets quite busy and sometimes things heat up before we get a chance to schedule one in- but this is where we carve time to have a 'how are we, what's bothering us' discussion.  We both go into it completely calm, with the goal being to talk about anything we've felt the urge to but have not, for one reason or another.  We try to be completely open, nonjudgmental, and gentle with each other. 

Well, we should be this anytime we talk about potentially dangerous issues, right?

Wrong. Oh so wrong.

I mean, sure, maybe we should.  But that is just not a realistic expectation, especially for us.  Our personalities and expectations are just too drastically different.  But guess what?  We make a choice to love each other, and because of that choice, a bit more effort has to be made.  So we make that effort.

We plan, we talk, we argue, we plan for better ways to handle future arguments (hah!), and even if they don't work out perfectly, the effort put in by both parties is visible.

So why, I wonder, do marriages lose communication?  What does one go through when they (either actively or passively) make a decision to shield their partners from any particular thing?  How can it get better?


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